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Monday, Apr. 22, 2002
I just remembered a couple of things that make me do the unthinkable and post twice within the confines of 24 hours.

One is that I now know the loathing that the wearer's of contact lens must suffer. That hideous, that squirming in theater seats thing that accompanies eye distress.

Putting in the old eye drops. Puhleeease.

I had the laser eye thingy done and all is good in the land with the following exception: The constant and not-to-be-ignored insertion of eye drops every hour or so.

I have a total of 3 different (and not noticeably effective) brands of drops to buy, insert and discard. It strikes me as hugely plausible that any or all could be water, with no discernable medical value. The fact that each vial costs the equivalent of an hour's labor by a diligent electrician should make them not only desirable but also easy to use.

I won't paint the entire picture, but putting a bottle the size of a thimble in the hands of a carpenter with callused hands and kung-fu grip and expecting precision results smacks of the sort of hilarity normally reserved for the Three Stooges. Tilt head, position bottle, apply pressure. Wipe chin, forehead and nostril until satiated. Repeat.


An open letter to my wife:

Dear Ally:

Remember how the pool looked yesterday? That coagulated sort of green that is normally reserved for military fatigues and paper currency? Well, guess what. No longer. Now it is blue (cloudy blue yes, but it works for the Windows 98 screen so what the hell?) and has clarity and you can even see the bottom of the pool.

And remember how you told me not to mess with vacuuming out the pool and sending the inhaled particles directly to the waste line, ensuring that we would lose large amounts of nicely warmed and chlorinated water?

Well, I couldn't take it anymore. That sludge sitting at the bottom of the pool just lay there and spoke to me. "Outfoxed, we are here, we are not leaving, we make thy pool to stinketh and stay brown forever."

SoI took vacuum in hand and disobeyed.

Did you really expect me not to? The neighbors all look out their second story windows and go, "Wow. Look at the color of Outfoxed's pool this year. You know, I believe he actually added food dye to get that shade of green. What would you call it Martha, GANGREEN?"

And it was really exciting, watching the scum disappear as I frantically turned every hose from every edifice on the house into the pool in an effort to replace the rapidly receding waste water as it pumped goo out into the yard as fast as I vacuumed it out. Truly, it was. I know that you would have eventually agreed with my theory about "How to get Rid of the Algae" and done this yourself, but sometimes, being disagreeable has its' own rewards. And to know that I'm basically a disagreeable sort, well, that can't be denied.

I just wanted to turn the timetable up a little.

So now, having viewed the lovely blue pool and the shining light that it conveys to our spying (and largely pool-less) neighbors, how about a little 'way-ta-go-babes' pat on the head?

I mean, I'd have been delighted to leave it for you, but sometimes I just can't resist.

Besides, you do the eye drops so much better than I do.

Sincerely,
Outfoxed

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