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Sunday, Oct. 27, 2002
I always get a case of the giggles when I read some of those online surveys and quizzes. The kind that are supposed to determine ďJust How Punk are You?Ē or some other discourse into minutiae.

But, for the sake of keeping up appearances, Iíll do not one but two of them today!

I can palpably feel the excitement that just rippled through the Internet world.

The Outfoxed Survey

1. Deserted island CD? I always wondered how in the world a deserted island could have the necessary electricity/batteries to power a CD player in the first place, but whatever. Steely Danís ďThe Royal ScamĒ, no question about it.

2. Awards for writing? I got an award for Journalism at my high school graduation. Most of which was based on the sucky poetry and horrid reflective articles written for the high school newspaper. My girlfriend at the time was its editor, and when I unceremoniously dumped her I didnít get published anymore. Boy was she pissed when they gave me that award. And had me up for a ďBest New JournalĒ award once. It was a pretty cool honor, but I think they got mad because I couldnít figure out how to link up to their logo, so they gave it to somebody else. How come every time I get awarded someone ends up getting bent out of shape?

3. Irritating habits? Me? Irritating? Pshaw. Well, maybe my sleeping habits. For some reason my aging body only needs 5 hours of sleep at night. Depending on how early I fall asleep/pass out, this could mean that Iím going to be wide awake at some very peculiar hours, roaming around the house looking for food, reading vast amounts of diary entryís online and generally having a blast in the middle of the night when everyone else is trying to sleep.

4. Feeling complimented? When someone is kind enough to sign the guestbook or otherwise say nice things about my ramblings herein. That always makes my day. Oh, and Ally once told me I have nice legs. Maybe that was to make up for the fact that Iíve been complimenting hers for years, I dunno.

5. In the news? Looks like they caught this DC sniper lunatic. Now all the civil liberty groups and media chest thumpers are wailing away at how this is going to be bad for black people everywhere, that itís going to make race relations that much worse. What, like youíd have been happier if it was a white guy who fit some sort of pre-arraigned nutcase profile? The bastard is off the streets, why donít we just agree that this is a good thing and leave it alone? And another thing. The only way race relations will improve is when these fame seeking wackoís stop thrusting skin color into every conceivable discussion/event/scenario and let the grown-ups of all color have the microphone for a change.

Okay, survey over. How about a contest?

Hello? Did I lose everybody somewhere around item 2?

Work for Outfoxed Contest!

This is easy. All you gotta do is answer a few work related questions and you get the chance to work with me and Stu for a day! Weíll pay you! You can ride in the Corporate Van! Get hands-on carpenter experience! Youíll get a crack at the Watering Hole!

Just select the answer most suited to your personality, post them in the guestbook, and weíll post the winner in a week or so.

You know you want to do this.

Besides, we need some cheap labor. Is $4 an hour okay with you all? Remember, we pick up the tab at the Watering Hole . . .

Hereís the questions. :

1. Youíre asked to nail two pieces of 2 x 4 together. The fastener you would most likely use is:

a) 2Ē finishing nail
b) 2ĺĒ framing nail
c) One of Stuís petrified stogies from the back of the truck
d) none of the above, you donít nail anything for $4 an hour

2. Okay, itís 5 am, time to go to work. Do you:

a) eagerly sit by your front door, awaiting the Corporate Van
b) fill a cooler with beer and ice and snacks
c) do a brisk exercise routine to warm up for the day
d) roll over and go back to sleep. $4 an hour?

3. Stu hits his thumb with the hammer. Should you:

a) laugh uproariously while rolling on the ground
b) act concerned, offer to fetch the first aid kit
c) look astonished, he never misses with the hammer
d) dramatically, and with many gestures, repeat the mishap for weeks to come for the Watering Hole regulars

4. Youíre given $20 to go buy gas for the generator. Most likely, you would:

a) give some of it back. The generator only holds 4 gallons, after all
b) spend $6 on gas and the rest on beer
c) spend $6 on gas and the rest on a bigger gas can
d) take the $20 and not go back to work. A bird in hand thing, and whatís all this about $4 an hour?

Special bonus question. Use three ordinary words to best describe your current job and why you think working for Outfoxed would be the better deal. Yes, three words are enough. We're all about brevity here . . .

Thatís it! Remember to post your answers here, tell all your friends to enter, and as always, I wish you the best of luck. Iím really curious to see how much of a response these online contests get.

Other than that, itís a quiet Sunday and Iím just looking to stir up some excitement.

Couldnít you tell?

I guess I could have used the nice Diaryland feature to create this survey. But nobody ever said I was either clever or resourceful. And I'll be darned if I'm going back and redoing this whole thing . . .

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