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Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
You know, I read my previous entry again. Had to admit to myself that it was probably the most expressive thing Iíve ever dared to put out online concerning me, even though a lot of it was about Beth.

It wasnít easy to do, for me, and I suppose I could have gone even deeper with it and really flayed a few corpses with the cat oínines.

Iíd also like to thank an old time reader whose work I admire almost as much as her very heartfelt advice and observations from time to time. Thank you Dichroic.

That dark entry was so much fun, letís just do her again.

Iím very much wondering how much longer I can make entryís having any semblance whatever of the upbeat. Or the humorous, or the witty things that happen in life. Iíve been sputtering along looking for them for several months now. If I had one or two, rest assured Iíd toss Ďem on the fire and hit send and things might be mirthful for a while.

Man. I donít think Iíve ever had a day worse than this one that didnít involve the death of someone close to me. And very few people who I can count as being close to me have died in my lifetime. Even in death I could count their passing as a blessing of sorts, since they lived terrifically long lives and made a wonderful difference to their families before succumbing to sickness or just plain old age.

I had to go to court today and plead for a continuance so that my little Corporation could continue its floundering ways for another month. A money issue.

I had to go to another, more sinister court, and wait for my heart to break as the judge passed a ruling on my 17 year old son. He could easily have gone to jail. He has a history, he has addictions and demons that he doesnít understand and canít seem to shake. Ally and I as parents have grieved over this and held each other late at night more than I can tell you. I can also tell you that we refused a lawyer. That even at the edge of allowing our son to go off to a kidís prison we were not going to sneak around, to coddle and whine and expect leniency on Benís behalf simply because we had a stunning legal defense. There was no defense, any more than there was money to buy one. Sometimes itís stand-up time, and Ben got a whopping dose of that today.

Ally and I had our one moment when the lady judge peered down at us and said, ďYou know, I appreciate your honesty.Ē I think she was a little taken aback by it, and made a decision that was more than fair. Ben might be fucked for the next year or so but heíll be getting his personal exorcism on - outside of locked cells.

I came home after 6 hours of this, stopped by to catch Stu and go over a little job weíre going to start tomorrow. He happened to be at a local Hole with his wife, and it was a brief exchange, we set a time and checked our ammo so to speak. Pretty routine.

Couple hours later I was at home waiting for Ally and the end of the day.

You know, I wrote about 200 words about what happened next and just zapped them all, just now. Iím not going to go there in the sort of detail that would make sense of it all. Suffice to say that I had a confrontation with a drunk person who made accusatory statements about money, the Company, my general trustworthiness, the roses on my kitchen table and the license plates on my car.

It was heated and ugly. Sometimes itís safe to say that a persons innermost feelings come out when theyíre inebriated. And no, it wasnít Stu, but it was his closest representative and it wasnít the first time this sort of thing has happened. Just the worst.

I went from glooming over my son to a state of anger that scared me, and even while trying to hold my temper during an epic, one-sided screech fest I had a piece of me standing aside watching all the drama, the rational one. Itís usually the one I trust my gut instinct to in times like these.

Rationally, the Corporation is over. If thereís that much bad blood seething under the surface thereís really little point in continuing.

Iíd like to think weíll do a few jobs, finish out the month of April perhaps.

Or itís possible that we wonít ever do another thing, and there will be an auction next week to put the whole shebang to rest.

Money makes for strange and awful behavior folks.

But Iíll starve before it becomes the number one thing on my plate.

God Iím seething right now. Hours and hours later.

So then. How was your past two years day?

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